- Michael J. White
- Mike was born illiterate. As a child he proved himself diminutive. His illiteracy was eventually cured but now he often uses bigger words than the situation requires, thus obfuscating his intentions. Mike believes that if he had one professional baseball at-bat, he would definitely fake the suicide squeeze, then hit a walk-off grand slam, then run the bases shaking his head as though thinking to himself, man, this is so cliché, I should've just bunted.